The 2s make strong progress in their fight to not get demoted with a 2-1 win over Keele
The away trip to Keele was always going to be in the air due in part to the shit weather that Stoke seems to be subjected to (because it’s a shit hole), and because Keele’s pitch is also dobles up as a swamp. However, the day finally came around and it was a big one, a 10:30 leave for a 4pm pushback because we had to travel with non-focus sport plebs who had earlier games. At least we got the back of the bus and there were no netball players to insult us. To add even more spice to the game, Keele had elected to play on the neutral ground of Crewe Vagrants Sports Club because as luck would have it, their pitch was unusable.
The boys arrived over three hours early to the meet point and so hung about in the pavilion or got lunch from a kebab shop a mile away. Jamie decided to dial his persona up to a million by refusing to put his tie on properly or do his top two buttons up. We are currently one step away from him burning £20 notes in front of homeless people (Jamie for chair). In the meanwhile, Anders, who had forgotten all his kit (‘alpha move’ – Chairman Crash), scavenged kit from the rest of the players, including Nelson, who was acting as manager today, still nursing an injured hand he suffered in Manchester.
Eventually, 4pm rolled around and the game finally began. Keele, proving they were the real deal, passed it off the back off the pitch from push back (This was all Lancasters Pres) . Lancaster set up some big plays which resulted in Pubes getting into their D within two minutes, where he subsequently got hit in the head, ending his game. This did not stop Lancaster’s domination as they continued to press in Keele and make keep them in their own half. Keele’s own press was actually shit as they only had one forward really pressing and the rest just marking our left and right backs, whilst the midfielders stayed where they were. This meant that Anders and Stotty could just play one pass, walk into midfield and pass it on. This resulted in a goal as Anders slapped the ball to Baguetti who beat his man, leaving him in a one-on-one with the Keele keeper. Baguetti, the trickster that he is, duped the goalie into thinking he would hit the ball correctly, sending the keeper to the floor as he mis-hit it over him.
Lancaster continued to dominate and win shorts but unsurprisingly, did not score from any of them, because where is the fun in that. Keele basically had fuck nothing as well apart from stick tackling the shit out of Ursula who was doing bits down the left flank, but no cards were shown. Chags tried to do his stupid 3-D skills a few times which just resulted in him bouncing the ball into his own foot. Unlucky mate happens to the best of us, one day you will get it. The half came to an end 1-0 to Lancaster and as it was an away day, there would be no rogue change in formations for the second half from Nick ‘I was born with a white board in my hands’ Davey. Who knows what he will bring out next home game? My guess is 9-0-1 as we shithouse our way to a 1-0 win chucking aerials to lone man Ursula.
The second half actually started well for Keele and therefore badly for Lancaster as with the sun in our eyes, we gave away a few shorts. This did not result in anything for Keele as their drag flicker constantly sent it wide. One of these shorts came from a hospital pass from Little Luke Sauven who thought he could ply his trade with the big boys at the back. He could not. The bhoys in red then upped their game to take control once more as Keele’s press did nothing for them, and passes were sent wide from Lancs to put pressure on the Keele D. Fortunately for Keele, Baguetti was on the receiving end of most of the crosses sent in, and thus the score remained at 1-0,one day I will keep my stick on the floor . Lancaster eventually won a short, and from it Chags biffed it in to send the score to 2-0. He just wanted it more. The first goal Chags has scored for LUMHC that hasn’t been pure shit.
As the game progressed, Keele’s attitude towards Ursula worsened as they just started slamming their sticks into any part of him they could get hold of. My personal favourite was the player who would go to ground for every tackle, stopping it with his chest, then carry on as the umpire gave nothing. Anyway, Ursula eventually forced a green as a Keele player did not get five twice. Very silly (Learn the rules). Keele did get a short with two minutes to go thanks to Baguetti being just as silly in our D as theirs as he watched the ball roll over his foot. Keele scored from this short, and there was great discussion between Tonsils and the umpire over , completely unopposed. how many of Keele’s back sticks the umpire missed. The umpire was having none of it and it was up to Chags to calm Tonsils down. Tonsils is still searching for that clean sheet.
In the last two minutes Keele began chasing a draw but they could not, resulting in the final score being 2-1 to Lancaster. After the match, we were greeted to absolute scenes as Berto sank his FunJ in 2mins 33s. James put in a solid effort as well, resulting in a wacky bus journey and an early night for him. The boys were regailed to songs from Little Luke Sauven, Chags and Anders, which the volley and fencing players must have loved, Infact Anders gained a lot of unwanted attention. Nelson also gave a Ted Talk on his time amongst the locals in South Africa. Legend. Oh and James was sick on the bus.
Man of the Match: Chags for actually scoring. Legend
Dick of the Day: Baguetti for missing sitters and ruining Tonsils' chances of getting a clean sheet
Match report by Baguetti and Anders
The away trip to Keele was always going to be in the air due in part to the shit weather that Stoke seems to be subjected to (because it’s a shit hole), and because Keele’s pitch is also dobles up as a swamp. However, the day finally came around and it was a big one, a 10:30 leave for a 4pm pushback because we had to travel with non-focus sport plebs who had earlier games. At least we got the back of the bus and there were no netball players to insult us. To add even more spice to the game, Keele had elected to play on the neutral ground of Crewe Vagrants Sports Club because as luck would have it, their pitch was unusable.
The boys arrived over three hours early to the meet point and so hung about in the pavilion or got lunch from a kebab shop a mile away. Jamie decided to dial his persona up to a million by refusing to put his tie on properly or do his top two buttons up. We are currently one step away from him burning £20 notes in front of homeless people (Jamie for chair). In the meanwhile, Anders, who had forgotten all his kit (‘alpha move’ – Chairman Crash), scavenged kit from the rest of the players, including Nelson, who was acting as manager today, still nursing an injured hand he suffered in Manchester.
Eventually, 4pm rolled around and the game finally began. Keele, proving they were the real deal, passed it off the back off the pitch from push back (This was all Lancasters Pres) . Lancaster set up some big plays which resulted in Pubes getting into their D within two minutes, where he subsequently got hit in the head, ending his game. This did not stop Lancaster’s domination as they continued to press in Keele and make keep them in their own half. Keele’s own press was actually shit as they only had one forward really pressing and the rest just marking our left and right backs, whilst the midfielders stayed where they were. This meant that Anders and Stotty could just play one pass, walk into midfield and pass it on. This resulted in a goal as Anders slapped the ball to Baguetti who beat his man, leaving him in a one-on-one with the Keele keeper. Baguetti, the trickster that he is, duped the goalie into thinking he would hit the ball correctly, sending the keeper to the floor as he mis-hit it over him.
Lancaster continued to dominate and win shorts but unsurprisingly, did not score from any of them, because where is the fun in that. Keele basically had fuck nothing as well apart from stick tackling the shit out of Ursula who was doing bits down the left flank, but no cards were shown. Chags tried to do his stupid 3-D skills a few times which just resulted in him bouncing the ball into his own foot. Unlucky mate happens to the best of us, one day you will get it. The half came to an end 1-0 to Lancaster and as it was an away day, there would be no rogue change in formations for the second half from Nick ‘I was born with a white board in my hands’ Davey. Who knows what he will bring out next home game? My guess is 9-0-1 as we shithouse our way to a 1-0 win chucking aerials to lone man Ursula.
The second half actually started well for Keele and therefore badly for Lancaster as with the sun in our eyes, we gave away a few shorts. This did not result in anything for Keele as their drag flicker constantly sent it wide. One of these shorts came from a hospital pass from Little Luke Sauven who thought he could ply his trade with the big boys at the back. He could not. The bhoys in red then upped their game to take control once more as Keele’s press did nothing for them, and passes were sent wide from Lancs to put pressure on the Keele D. Fortunately for Keele, Baguetti was on the receiving end of most of the crosses sent in, and thus the score remained at 1-0,one day I will keep my stick on the floor . Lancaster eventually won a short, and from it Chags biffed it in to send the score to 2-0. He just wanted it more. The first goal Chags has scored for LUMHC that hasn’t been pure shit.
As the game progressed, Keele’s attitude towards Ursula worsened as they just started slamming their sticks into any part of him they could get hold of. My personal favourite was the player who would go to ground for every tackle, stopping it with his chest, then carry on as the umpire gave nothing. Anyway, Ursula eventually forced a green as a Keele player did not get five twice. Very silly (Learn the rules). Keele did get a short with two minutes to go thanks to Baguetti being just as silly in our D as theirs as he watched the ball roll over his foot. Keele scored from this short, and there was great discussion between Tonsils and the umpire over , completely unopposed. how many of Keele’s back sticks the umpire missed. The umpire was having none of it and it was up to Chags to calm Tonsils down. Tonsils is still searching for that clean sheet.
In the last two minutes Keele began chasing a draw but they could not, resulting in the final score being 2-1 to Lancaster. After the match, we were greeted to absolute scenes as Berto sank his FunJ in 2mins 33s. James put in a solid effort as well, resulting in a wacky bus journey and an early night for him. The boys were regailed to songs from Little Luke Sauven, Chags and Anders, which the volley and fencing players must have loved, Infact Anders gained a lot of unwanted attention. Nelson also gave a Ted Talk on his time amongst the locals in South Africa. Legend. Oh and James was sick on the bus.
Man of the Match: Chags for actually scoring. Legend
Dick of the Day: Baguetti for missing sitters and ruining Tonsils' chances of getting a clean sheet
Match report by Baguetti and Anders